What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard! Its the best thing for a hot dog.
The burglar stumbles around in the dark, looking for things to steal. Suddenly he hears a voice in the dark "Jesus is watching you!" At first he thought it was his imagination, so he continues rummaging through the room, but then he hears it again, this time unmistakable and louder "Jesus is watching you!". He decides to take the risk and turns on his torch and with a sigh of relief he sees a parrot sitting on a coat stand. "So, I suppose you're Jesus?", says the burglar.
"No", says the Parrot, "I'm Polly, Jesus is the Rottweiler behind you!".
A man walks into his local vet and says "My dog Rover is cross-eyed, is there any way in which you can help him?" "Hmm, let me take a look at him" says the vet as he picks up Rover. Whilst holding the dog, the vet checks Rovers paws, eyes, teeth and tail until finally the vet says "I think I am going to have to put Rover down". The man is shocked and says "Really? Just because he is cross-eyed?" The vet then replies "No, because he is too heavy to hold any longer".
"No, because he is too heavy to hold any longer".
This bloke runs into a friend of his on his way to town. "Where are you off to mate?" asks his friend. "I'm going to buy myself a dog!" he says. Shocked his mate exclaims "But mate! You live in a unit on the tenth floor! How are you going to look after him?" "No worries" says the bloke. "In summer I will let him stay on the balcony". "What about winter?" asks his friend concerned. "I suppose I will let him stay inside then" "But what about the stench?" asks his friend.
"Nah, he will get used to it" says the bloke.
Heard of this dog who was addicted to garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite.
This fellow was walking down the street, when he came across a sign that says, "Talking dog for sale". He is curious and walks to the front door and rings the bell. While he is waiting he sees a dog sitting on the lawn, and asks him. "Can you talk?".
"Oh, yes" says the dog. "I was only a wee little pup when I realised I possessed these talents, so I applied to become a detective, but then ASIO got wind of me, and decided I would make a perfect spy. So for eight years I was the best spy the Five Eyes ever had! I could listen in on the conversations of those international dignitaries without them ever suspecting a thing. But then I got tired of it and came back home to start a factory making premium dog food, and before you know it, I was crowned entrepreneur of the year! I also paired up with a lovely bitch, and we had several good litters, but now I'm retired and on the pension!"
The man is amazed, and turns to the owner as he opens the door. "How much for the dog!" he asks. "Ten dollars" is the answer. Astounded he says, "How can you believe such a phenomenal dog is worth only ten dollars?"
"Mate!" says the owner "That dog is such a liar! You can't believe a word he says!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
You don't call a dog with no legs, because it won't come.
The little girl asks her mum "Mummy, can I take Betty for a walk?" "No" says her mum. "Betty is in heat, and the other puppies will bother her" The little girl is upset, so mum thinks of a plan. She puts a little bit of Petrol on Betty's back so that the other dogs can't detect the smell, and says "OK honey, you can take her for a quick walk around the block" When the girl came back from the walk, mum asks "How was your walk?" "Very good" says the little girl.
"Bettie ran out of Petrol at the corner, but a nice doggy came and pushed her home"
Five friends, an engineer, an accountant, a computer scientist, a chemist and a public servant, meet in the dog park. They start bragging to each other about the tricks their dogs can do.
The engineer decides to demonstrate and gives his dog a command. The dog rushes over to a desk, takes a paper and pencil, draws a circle, a square, and a rectangle on it. Not to be outdone the accountant gives his dog a command, and the dog goes to the kitchen, grabs a dozen cookies and separates them neatly into 4 groups of 3 cookies each. The computer scientists says that it is quite impressive, but that his dog is even smarter. He gives a command, and his dog goes to the computer, formats the hard drive, does a virus check, and downloads and install new programs, and recovers all the missing emails. The chemist is astounded, but he issues a command, and his dog fetches a bottle of milk and pours a glass of milk to the brim without making a mess. The mildly impressed public servant gives his dog a command.
His dog jumps up, pees on the drawing, eats the cookies and milk, deletes all the files on the computer, and barks at the other dogs. In the scuffle he puts his back out, so he lodges a complaint over poor working conditions with the Fair Work Commission and gets six months' leave on a disability pension.